How to prove that I am engaged when I am not interested in engaging in team outings, social events, and similar activities?

The realistic answer is there's probably nothing else you can do. Your employer has decided that attendance at these events is important, and your manager has reinforced that point: attending these events is your employer's definition of "engaged".

Now, I have views on whether that is a good and sensible definition or not, but what I think, what you think and what everyone other commentator on the Internet thinks is irrelevant; you're not going to be seen as "engaged" at your current employer unless you attend these events.

For this performance review, the horse has probably bolted. Phillip Kendall has articulated a good answer on this point on how Management define 'engaged'

I am going to give a bit of a tangential answer for your next performance review

Let's say you don't want to do any work activities outside of work hours (social events, christmas parties, After-Work Drinks etc.) you can still show engagement within Office Hours.

Here is one such example that even the most Introverted person can handle:

• a Daily Wordle thread in Teams/Slack/Company messaging app.

(it doesn't have to be Wordle, I am just using it as an example) - something that shows you care about the company and want to see people come together over a common interest.

At my Work - we have channels for:

Wordle, Motorcyclists, Dad Jokes, Coffee Roulette etc. We have people that every month organize a friday afternoon Cahoot! quiz.

The point I am making, that even as an Introvert who values their personal time - you can do some small things to show you are engaged during business hours - and I would hope that if your Boss saw this, they would feel that you are trying and would judge/reward you accordingly for it.

I used to be very introverted; I am a bit better now. I have always attended these sorts of events - where I just didn't want to engage in conversation, as it was very awkward.

However. I had to join in. Occasionally I would just join a group of two that were chatting, just nodding at them as I did. I didn’t have to say a single word, but I was engaged. Once in a while, someone would ask my opinion and I would answer.

Often, I would just sit on the side with a drink (non alcoholic, as I don’t drink). Invariably, someone would sit down next to me and say a few words.

The point is, you can be engaged and still be an introvert.

I don't know what form your introversion takes and what issues you have with your personal life but possibly you could suggest other activities to your manager that would serve the same purpose. Typically firms like social events because help foster good relationships inside teams, across different teams, spread work knowledge, etc ,so propose something that could do this, in a way that is suitable for you.

For instance:

• brown bag talks where someone talks about something interesting in the work (or maybe even outside work)
• coffee roulette, where you are assigned a random colleague to have coffee with
• etc

Now these kind of ideas may sound even worse than a Team Social, in which case maybe follow one of the other answers. But if not , this could show your engagement even more than the expected routes.

If these events are "paid time", then attendance is, imo, compulsory, much as any Staff Meeting would entail. (Going into the weeds becomes whether these events happen during your contracted normal working hours, or not.)

If an event is not paid, then attendance must be at the discretion of the individual, and it's probably breaking some guideline, or even labour law, to include this intrusion into your non-working hours as a "performance criterium". (Was "must enjoy wearing a lampshade hat at our parties" in the position description to which you applied?)

It is reasonable for an employer to insist that staff maintain decorous behaviour when off-the-clock while attending a conference, for instance, but 'programming activities for unpaid hours' in such a situation is beyond the pale.

Biggest unknown: Were you made aware of, and if so, understand this 'expectation' KPI before you signed an agreement to work for this employer?

Thinking these are "unpaid" events, compelling you to participate with a threat of black marks on your review should be taken-up with whatever labour relations board or union you have access to.

There's no need to excuse having no wish to socialise with one's co-workers, esp. on one's own time!

Do you have a contract? Is such "engagement" listed on your contract or Terms of Employment or Official Company Policy.?

Other answers, here, carry VG suggestions (imo) for alternative ways to "engage" worthy of your consideration.

Finally, consider the meaning of "deal breaker". You would be neither the first nor the last who has had to find a different job because of a "bad fit" between an employer and an already-hired employee... But, trying to find a solution suitable to all is the first avenue to explore.

(Does this mean I can have your slice of the dessert cake, then? :-)

Alternative?

With the understanding that I've never been in a position similar to the OP, nor would I decline what might be an occasional "interesting" outing with workmates (based on my(!) definition of what is-or-is-not "interesting"), there's this to ponder...

As a young person working with others similarly young, or young-at-heart, I lived in a city that held a themed "river raft race" every summer. In early spring, one year, sitting round the table in the small coffee room, I randomly turned to a Richard, drawling, "Ya know, Rich? I've a hankerin' to go 'n' drift down that-there river someday..."

A few months later, as the CEO-supplied flat-bed truck used its crane to hoist our group's 4-500Kg raft out of the river at the end of that event, I turned to Richard, grinned while wringing-out my dripping-wet clothes, and enquired: "Same time next year?"

It had been a riotous few months of, attracting others to join or to donate to the project, the group jointly designing and building a floating platform that shouldn't sink, yet was built from cheap materials by a bunch of amateurs, some organisation, and a lot more hilarious disorganisation... A "once in a lifetime (is ample!)" experience...

Possibly the cherry on top was that both the local papers, using their own photos, each printed a photo that included "our raft" and its prominent sign, being the legible name and recognisable logo of the small university where we worked together. Of ~50 entrants in the race, it felt that ours was the entry recognised to be more spirit and less commercial.

Long story to suggest that, perhaps the OP can take the lead and organise something in keeping with his own priorities and preferences. With fresh understanding of the OP's family responsibilities, perhaps a "bring your kid(s) to work day"?? Or, a "family picnic day" where each family brings its own food-and-drink?? (If the performance KPI is based on a concept of "all one family", then let that be the basis for drawing-in the families of staff members.)

Take the wheel and head in a direction that reduces anxiety and increases pleasure as you define it.

(PS: In support, the Uni contributed $200 for materials. The 'there-and-back' transport of our beast (~2-3hrs idle "weekend" time for crane-equipped truck & driver) was absorbed by the generosity of the Uni's President and his executive wife who held some powerful position in a furniture moving company. I, the instigator, withdrew 1000x the happiness and pleasure that went into the 'project'. Others did too, I believe.)

Many/most of us are just hoping and waiting for a chance to do or contribute to something 'Life Affirming'. We're all waiting for someone to have a good idea. Perhaps a "Family Scavenger Hunt" in the city where each 'team' (read: 'family') sets out in their own groupings to compete to complete the challenge. The canvas is blank, awaiting the first brushstroke...

Ask your manager for ways you can demonstrate team engagement that don't involve these outings and social events.

When your manager says they want to everyone engaged, what they want is for teammates to have a cohesive sense of purpose and trust in each other. Socializing at outings is just one way to try to build those bonds. It works for some, but not for everyone.

Taking the initiative to help the team overall, even if it's a small thing, demonstrates engagement. Here are some examples:

• You could mentor or coach an intern or new team member (assuming one-on-one interaction isn't as uncomfortable for you as the group events).

• Contribute and article to a team or corporate newsletter.

• Take on a small project that improves work life for the team but that isn't any specific individual's responsibility. For example, perhaps there's a task that's generally the team's responsibility but nobody really owns it. Maybe not everyone really knows how to handle it when it comes up. You could document the process and set up a rotation schedule so that the responsibility is shared fairly.

Pick something specific, tangible, and visible that's not part of your regular work assignments. Before your start, tell your manager you want to spend a some of your time on whatever it is. If your teammates don't learn what you're up to along the way, make sure it's "announced" (e.g., in a team email) when it's done. Make sure it's mentioned in your performance review.

"Zayen documented how to handle the foobar alarm and set up an on-call rotation so that the team is always ready to handle those alarms quickly and consistently" looks far better on a performance review than "Zayen attended three team happy hours this quarter."

Frame Challenge:

If you hate going to these pointless-to-you social events, think of something else you can propose to management that groups can do together. For example, organize a team of people to pick up trash on a nearby road or stream 4 times a year; in some places you can even get your company's name on a sign (good advertising!) for "adopting" a road. That gets your name visible to the people who matter, and as a bonus you get to know that you planted 100 trees (or whatever.)

(Source: I've worked for companies that did stuff like this.)

Chiming in with an introvert suggestion: board games. One of the reasons I love board games is that they can be socializing, while not eating too much from my bank of introvert energy. Perhaps board gaming with work could be a nice outing?

If you set it up, you get the bonus of being the "niche hobby event thingy organizer". It even looks smart.

Apart from that: do you know if other companies around you have the same cultures? It might be time to interview, and simply say "bad cultural fit", with more conviction than usual.

The challenge is that I’m an introvert and have a lot going on in my personal life right now, so I typically don’t join these types of events. However, I do my best to consistently deliver quality work which is also evident in my KPIs.

Well, unfortunately, we as humans don't operate in a social vacuum. As much as people who work with computers would like that to be. Your employer places value on social interactions at work. This is not a sentiment you share, but it is one that the institution that pays your salary has.

So your choice is either to do as you are told. Work on your social skills and be a team player, or find a place of employment that shares your anti-social work environment needs, but being social is one of your key performance indicators, and you are not being a part of that KPI.

Every day around the world, people are forced to do things at work that they don't want to do. It is called adulting. When we are children, we can only do things we want to do, but when we enter the real world, that privilege goes away. Put the big boy pants on and start kissing some corporate tuchus. You may develop some social graces that may serve you well later in life.